It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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