I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
