I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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