my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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