I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
