you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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