eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Blood and glitter go together right?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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