Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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