i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
