did you get engaged???
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
