Someone shit on the floor
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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