Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
