the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
