How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
