theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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