In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
