So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
