Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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