Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
