Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
