she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
