No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my being single is dangerous.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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