3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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