The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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