Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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