I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
