You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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