I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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