By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
