I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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