dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
