after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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