There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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