I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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