there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
