One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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