my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
