I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
