My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
