Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
