How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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