Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
