I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
