When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
