sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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