Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
