Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
