My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
