I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
