Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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