Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm at about main and main street
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
