chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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