I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
