every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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