Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
