All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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