Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
