I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
