After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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