And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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