He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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