Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
