I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize