Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize